If Crypto Was Food

What would Dogecoin be?

If Crypto Was Food
Photo by Michele Blackwell on Unsplash

What would Dogecoin be?

The crypto market shit the bed.

Who knows why.

Who cares.


I can pretend to know, you can pretend to care, but it doesn’t matter.

Crypto SHIT the bed.

So let's have some fun.


If Bitcoin was a food it would be steak.

Photo by Emerson Vieira on Unsplash

Bitcoin is simple. There’s no messing around. It is, what it is.

That’s steak to a tee. Meat + fire done.

You can argue about security, privacy, scaling, blah blah blah.

Bitcoin is born of fire. Steak is too.

Steak is the King of food.

Bitcoin is the King of crypto.

Cro-Magnon man wielded fire and meat and in return women threw themselves at his feet, hairy pits and all.

Bitcoin is like that.

You don’t walk into a restaurant with your new girl that you're trying to impress and order soup do you? You order the biggest, baddest piece of meat that there is, you sip some wine, and impressed she lets you take her home for ‘coffee’.

Sorry vegan bros.


Ethereum is Pizza.

This is undeniable. Don’t you even dare try to argue this.

Photo by Vitalii Chernopyskyi on Unsplash

Pizza is trendy, it's available. You can get it pretty much anywhere on the planet. You can put anything on it. You can even put it in a pocket and bake it in the oven.

That’s Ethereum.

Slice it up, put some hot sauce on it, cheese for you, anchovies for me, eat it hot or it's free, and if you are a weirdo like me, cold the next morning is delizioso.

Just like Ethereum, too, the gas for the trip to the store costs more than the pizza!



You don’t know?

How dare you.

Photo by The BlackRabbit on Unsplash

Please tell me I don’t even have to explain what this is or why.

Dogecoin is 100% a HOT DOG.

Not only is it in the name, it just is.

It's goofy, it's funny. It’s wonky. Kids like it.

You don't go to a fancy restaurant and order a hot dog. It's street food. You can get it at the Baseball, Basketball, or at the whateverball. You can even get it at Ikea (God I hate Ikea).

In truth, like the original meme coin, it's just a piece of manufactured meat that no one wants to think about, but, we heat them up in hot water or on a grill, slam them into a fluffy, horrible-for-your-body white bun, splatter it with yellow and red paint, and we love it. We know it’s shit but we love it.

Hot dogs.



Is cigarettes. I just vomited in my own mouth.

Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash

I said I wasn’t gonna go there but f*ck it I’m going there.

XRP is cigarettes.

But, but you said this is a crypto-food post...? Yeah, I did, and I know cigarettes can’t be food. Just like XRP can’t be a cryptocurrency.

It’s disgusting is what it is. A pre-mined, disgusting, suit-wearing banker's coin.

And just like cigarettes or athlete's foot, it won't ever go away and die.

Like cigarettes, it’s been in and out of the courts, and we all know it's bad for our health.

And just like the smoker that knows it's bad for him and even admits it's a disgusting habit, he just can't put the smokes away, the XRP army of bum boys simultaneously admit they hate the banks and the WEF but then shill XRP cos well, maybe gains?

It’ll never go away. We just have to warn people.




Photo by Chester Toh on Unsplash

C’mon man, it just is.

It's Chinese, it copied Ethereum. Bruh

But still delicious, nutritious, and filled with whatever you want. Eat’ em hot or even cold. Dip’ em in soy, sweet, sour, or spicy sauce. Kid’s will eat’ em and so will granny too.


The humble potato.

Photo by muhammed [paqer on Unsplash

Did you know that you can live on a potato-only diet?

There have been some well-known cases and stories of people eating only potatoes such as the well known story of Penn Jillette who lost 100 pounds after doctors discovered a 90% blockage in his heart.

The potato diet is also called a “Mono diet” *insert Twilight Zone music*, and just like a potato-only mono-diet, Monero is all we need to survive. It provides security, privacy, and low fees, and anyone can mine it using a CPU and Random-X software.

But of course, steak goes well with potatoes. Ba dum tss!



Photo by Brandi Alexandra on Unsplash

Dunking on this. Seriously this one was too easy. I’m not even going to be bothered to make any connections. Enough said.

Think I got something wrong? Fight me — or just let me know in the comments :).

If Bitcoin is steak, what is Litecoin?


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