How to Survive the Crypto-Apocalypse

This is probably the end.

How to Survive the Crypto-Apocalypse

This is probably the end.

Hi there,

I guess you're here because you skipped all the advice, huh?

Invested more than you could afford.

Didn’t do your own research.

Got emotional.

Yep, that’ll do it.

I know how it goes.

But at least you're admitting you’re f*cked. That’s the first part of the healing process.

You're in safe hands now.

See, I once told the story on this very blog about how I lost 2 Million dollars. And I'm still here. Doing better than ever actually. I know where you are at and I know how not to die.

This is a step-by-step process.

Because in times like these, there’s no room for explanations. You’re either gonna listen and survive. Or you’re not, and you won’t. A bit over the top ya might think, and you’d be wrong.

You see, very important experts and websites, are telling you, that you need to be fearful because the indicator thingy is in the fear bit. Yep. Science.

Very scary stuff.

So let’s get to it shall we, how to literally survive the crypto-apocalypse. In 5 easy-to-follow steps.

Step #1. Food & Water.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Apocalyptic times like these (when the price of magic-internet-money is down), call for end-times measures. If you think I’m joking, go on now, get out of here like those idiots in the 2017 boom and subsequent 2018 bust did.

This is real sh*t. You should be trembling in your boots — 200 Billion magic internet tokens were wiped off the market, so basically what that means is we’re all going to f*cking die.

MRE’s and prepper food boxes are good, but we’re in a hurry here. You ain’t got time for that. Canned food will do. Whatever it is. Get your butt down to the grocery store and load up.

Make sure to get a good mix. Protein, like tuna and corned beef will do. Canned hotdogs are a thing too, don't be shy.

There’s no room to be picky, grab what you can get and go.

Step #1, 2.0 is water.

A regular bathtub will fit about 80 gallons, that's around 300 liters for our friends in non-America. Fill that son’ bitch up.

Bottled water is good too. But…you’re ass is deep financially, so now is not the time to be showing off your Visa card buying up all kinds of fancy-schmancy Norwegian mineral water. Get what you can get and while the power is still connected you can always boil rainwater if need be.

Step #2. Weapons & Safety.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Most of you zoomers and generation-confused out there have no idea how bad these crashes can get. Back even before crypto was a thing we had what is referred to as the dot-com-crash. And holy hell did that get ugly. There was blood and guts, and zombies, and werewolves and Russians! Holy hell it was bad.

Once you’ve secured enough water and canned goods you need to get strapped.

If you ain’t got access to firearms or you live in a city where they treat you like a child then best you come up with some weapons ASAP.

Baseball bats, golf clubs, tire iron. Whatever.

Step #3. Shelter & Warmth.


There ain’t no Metaverse or pixelated land that can help keep you warm and safe. Nope, nada, none. This is as real as it gets. If you live in a dorm room, share-house, or any place where there is even a slight chance that there are HODLERS, Apes, Degens, or any other crypto-subculture-related persons, you need to get out now!

You’ll never know until it’s too late.

I’ve seen it before. The quiet kid down the hall, keeps to himself, and plays video games? Well, what you don’t know is that kid hasn’t slept in days, he’s been staring at red screens of death non-stop for hours, his shirt is covered in microwave mac & cheese from days prior, Mountain Dew is coursing through his skinny veins, he’s watching his life crumble away and bound to pop off at any moment and you don’t wanna be there when it happens. Believe me.

If you’re in a city, it's usually a good idea to get out, unless of course you can secure and protect the entire perimeter and that includes top to bottom. So all you penthouse living pre-apocalypse whales, now is not the time to show off.

Get out of the city now, before it’s overrun and infested!

Step #4. Psychology.

Throat punch.

Positivity did it for Justin Bieber, Oprah Winfrey, and Jesus. It’ll work for you too. You just gotta believe you’re gonna come out of this better and you gotta quit moping around. What's done is done, what's lost is lost.

A couple of tricks I learned from my good friend Jocko Willink (Navy Seal) is that push-ups are a depressed person's best friend. Try doing a hundred push-ups and not feeling better. Blood pumping, sweat going, wowee, I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

You can also just skip the push-ups and take photos of your watch or alarm clock at 4:30 am every morning, post it to social media, go back to bed and wake up hours later to people heaping praise on you.

Step #5. The way forward.

Photo by Hugo Lamacq:

If you’re new to my stuff, which you must be, I recently laid out exactly how to thrive and become filthy rich in this post. Follow it and you’ll never have another red day, ever again. Oh, also, Dogecoin is a big no-no for the reasons I layout here.

Once the blood in the streets is hosed down, you need to get back out there and throat punch a few crypto trades. Get some!

This is satire. Inspired by everyone pretending it's the end of the world right now.

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