I Analyzed 5000 Cryptos — Here Is How I Found the Best Low-Cap Gems That Made Me Filthy Rich

And how you can too.

We’ve all read the stories, yep, you know the ones about greasy pimple-faced teenagers that can barely wipe their own asses, they ‘invest’ 23 dollars into some cat-lizard-moon thing and 18 months laters they are driving a yellow Lambo with some tig ol’ bitty’d Insta-thot hanging out at Wendy’s hoping Daniel Mac asks them what they do for a job.

The reality is, that this is rare. As the old saying goes, ‘if it's too good to be true, it probably is. For every low-cap hidden gem, there are 100 stupid face plant coins. Don’t get caught losing your money, even if it’s only 23 bucks.

Here are the rules that I personally use when investing in crypto.

These are the same rules I’ve used to make me so mad filthy rich that I get to hang out with people like Elon Musk and the evil Winklevoss twins.

Rule no. 1

Never invest while drunk.

If you’ve ever been to a casino you’ll notice 2 things. Booze and money. They go together like toothpaste and orange juice.

Drugs on the other hand? Completely different story.

Depends on what kind though.

I don’t recommend weed for obvious reasons. Stupid stoners are called stupid for a reason. Mushrooms and or DMT on the other hand, especially if microdosed and especially while playing Joe Rogan motivational speeches in the background can induce some pretty wild results.

Rule no. 2

No animal coins. Dog coins get a pass.

Dogs are man's best friend. Everyone knows that and it's no different in the wonderful world of crypto. Doge, Shiba, Hoge, are all your best friend. Forget any other animal-related meme coin though, it could lead to financial ruin. Especially cat coins. Don’t believe me? Answer this, why isn’t there a single cat coin in CMC’s top 10 meme coins?

Rule no 3.

Does it solve a real-world problem? If yes, pass.

Solving real-world problems is for boomers.

In the Metaverse, I don't need a car to get me from A to B, which means I don’t need a mechanic, which means I don’t need scented trees and I don’t need expensive Russian gas either.

Investing rules from the old world do not apply here.

Ask yourself, can your newly acquired dog token buy you a pair of hypersneakers or a possessed demon haircut? If the answer is yes, you might be onto a winner. If not, forget about it.

Rule no 4.

Are the founders anons? If yes, consider apeing in.

Doxxed blue shirt-wearing corporate types are not part of the special crypto sauce investment sauce, they are generally nerds that will hand over all your private information to the Government as soon as there is even a slight chance they will go to jail.

Anonymous Ninjas? Yes, sir.

Ever heard of Satoshi Nakamoto?

They will take your secrets to the grave.

Always invest in Ninjas. No further explanation is needed.

Rule no. 5.

Buzz words.

Count them. The more buzzwords used in the project's pitch the better. All the stupid normy idiots lap that shit up and invest their hard-earned money giving you the peak exit you need.

Each buzzword is an entire month's worth of social media or YouTube hype. Buzzwords include but are not limited to: Decentralized, Private, Distributed, Metaverse, Web3, Blockchain, Consensus mechanism, Zero-knowledge, Encryption, and others.

Any coin project using less than 8 buzzwords on their website or socials is not to be touched, you’ll find they have no hype team and will rely solely on stupid nerdy stuff like cryptography which never produces anything of value.

The best crypto projects are all about hype, ride that bitch on the way up, and as soon as the normies figure it out, jump off and enjoy the gains friend.

This was satire inspired by many stupid similar articles.

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