Dogecoin to Undergo Racial Audit by Government
Dogecoin CEO Elon Musk is agreeing to undergo an independent racial equity audit to make sure that white people are paying more for their Dogecoins, Asian people are paying the market amount and everyone else pays a lower amount equal to at least -10% of the market price. A bonus 10% discount will be added for any person identifying as the following; gay, bi, trans, homeless, upset, unhappy, or just feeling — bleh. *White people may qualify, but only if they identify as non-white.
The Government says the audit will be completely independent. President poopy-pants himself recently stated ‘we will be recommending a strong, black, independent female, who identifies as black and female and importantly is an ex-employee of the Government because they have to be independent and not currently working for the Government, which is what it is independence day, cos Jenny said to me about the Mexican dinosaurs on Saturday with the lemonade…”.
The Seattle-based Dogecoin will be racially measured using Know your customer (KYC) information gathered by secret Government supercomputers through data-sharing agreements with crypto exchanges.
We asked a cool looking black guy that was randomly walking past us at the recent Bitcoin Miami conference what he had to say about all this:
‘man f*ck that shit, no one is spying on me, I don’t give a sh*t what discounts they promise me, they’re all racist mutha f*ckas anyway, what, they think giving a black man an extra 10% discount on the Dogecoin gonna make me love them all of a sudden, f*ck that, if they come for my sh*t I’ll switch it up to Monero or something secret like that man, tss~’.
We asked the Government for a response to the random cool black guy and a spokesperson sent us this via email:
‘no absolutely not, the Government will not be spying on black people, it’s just the white people that we are concerned with, remember, this is a fact-finding mission about racism, we are not at all concerned with what people are doing with their cryptocurrency, what they are buying or selling. But of course, we expect people to be honest about their cryptocurrencies and file them appropriately and pay the accurate amount of taxes on them which is definitely a separate matter’.
This recent rise in cryptocurrency pricing racism was first identified and pointed out by Nina Edgeheart CEO of The Peoples Pension Fund. Nina and her team were one of the first groups to call for racism audits when they discovered that people of a certain color earned less overall and had less to contribute to their pension funds. Their company slogan — Other Peoples Money, Our Experts;
We first noticed the racism when looking at the amount of fees that white people were paying for storing their nest eggs with us, they were paying those much higher fees because they have more money in there. The racism was sticking out like a sore thumb with dollar signs on it. We decided that our black, asian and hispanic customers should all have just as much money in their funds too and so of course we recommended racism audits be done on all companies but crypto especially becase with the rise in crypto investments recently they will be able to buy crypto for less, if they can buy it for less, it means they can sell it for more, many times instantly through arbitrage, they are then able to contribute more to their pension fund, our pernsion fund, its called The Peoples Equitable Contribution To Their Pension Fund And Hence Fee Structure Program or as I like to abbreviate it TPECTTPPFAHFS.
This article is satire and was inspired by this.
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